March 20, 1995

Dear Hillary,

The first 100 days of a new legislative session or rule of a political regime is a time period which gets a lot of attention, with goals and plans targeted for quick action. The new Republican majority in Congress is garnering a lot of attention with the "Contract With America," a plan for legislation to be passed in their first 100 days in power. Well, my flowering daffodil, today is the 100th day of your marriage; your "Contract With Tony."

Are you bored yet? Don’t be discouraged! You’ve just spent a year where you have been the center of everyone’s attention, attending showers and getting letters and calls from friends and relatives. You’ve had the excitement of planning your wedding, shopping for rings, attending showers, getting wonderful gifts, furnishing a new apartment, and anticipating your shared life. Now, however, you are in the "shadow of the mountain." The attention isn’t there anymore, the gifts have stopped coming in, and the honeymoon vacation is a memory. The fun you had when you were dating -- trying new restaurants and seeing movies every weekend -- has turned into coupon cutting and TV on Saturday night. The excitement of setting up your new home has given way to the drudgery of planning meals, shopping for toilet paper and toothpaste, washing dirty underwear, and managing a limited budget.

Are you arguing yet? Don't worry, it's natural! You and Tony dated for almost five years, but suddenly you’ve discovered that he slurps his soup, he doesn’t listen when you want to talk at the end of a long day, and he wants to watch "ER" instead of "Chicago Hope." Tony’s already tired of eating the three dishes you know how to cook, doesn't understand why the position of the toilet seat is such a big deal, and thinks his mother-in-law calls too often.

Are you questioning your decision and asking what you've gotten yourself into? Don't despair, that's normal, too! All of a sudden, you have to take someone else’s wants, needs and tastes into account. It stretches from what to eat for supper to where to go on vacation to how much to spend for Christmas gifts. Who said married life was so great?

Days come in the best of marriages when people question the decision they made to join their lives with another. When that happens, it is easy to question the commitment, to consider walking away, to say "I've had it." The decision you made to marry was not one made in haste, and questions about staying in the marriage cannot be asked casually. Sharing your life with another person is not easy, but you must never forget the promises made on that crisp December night, promises rooted in the love and respect you shared.

There will be times in your marriage when you will have to sit down in a quiet room, close your eyes, and ask yourself what first attracted you to Tony. Was it his smile? Was it his sweet nature, his sparkling eyes? When did you first realize he was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? How did you feel when you began to discuss the lifetime commitment of marriage? What went through your mind as you entered the church and saw the tears in Tony's eyes when he viewed his radiant bride?

You will remember that your Uncle Bill and I were old folks when we got married, with many years of living alone and being self-sufficient. I think we both wondered what the other would be feeling when the reality set in that we were now part of a couple. The day after our marriage we discussed it, and I still remember: comfortable, secure, loved unconditionally.

In my inherited role of wise old aunt, I have a wonderful recipe to share with you. Not only is it one which should be used regularly, but it will also give you pause for reflection.

Recipe for a Vital Marriage

Use equal parts of:
Care
Love
Friendship
Passion
Respect
Blend with much Understanding and lots of Forgiveness. Bake continuously in the oven of Commitment and Trust. Baste often and liberally with a Sense of Humor.

Serve with plenty of Communication in a Problem-Solving Atmosphere, and share liberally with loving family and friends.

Note: This is a tricky recipe which requires careful attention and the participation of both cooks. When it falls flat, check all ingredients and increase amounts as needed. Prepare often for best results.

-- K. Michael Lipkin, M,D.

Anticipate the good times, make time for each other, talk, laugh, go to church, pick something special to enjoy together but don't forget to save some time for yourself, remember what makes him special. You each brought baggage from your lives into your relationship, but you also have started a new life together -- a clean slate. Allow yourselves to settle into living with each other and working out the kinks that come with sharing your space with another person. The memories you are building today as a couple will expand over the years to fill your entire being. You are developing your own history, and that takes time!

Every life endeavor which has meaning requires that you immerse yourself in it. Relationships don't come easily, and that is why they are treasured. I am so glad you found someone so special to share your life. I love you and wish for you love, laughter and happiness!

Love,

Aunt Nancy